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If A Major Change Affects Your Child, You May Have To Involve Your Ex In The Decision

6 November 2015 by Kenneth Pierce

What happens if you want to make a big change after your divorce? If that change affects your children, you may not have the right to make the decision on your own, even if you have primary custody. In some states, you may even be legally required to notify the other parent of any proposed change and get either an agreement or a court order approving the change before you do it. Before you make any changes in the following areas, check your custody agreement, parenting plan, state laws, and think about giving your attorney a call. 

Residence:

You may not have a choice about moving if the landlord ups the rent and you can't afford it. However, if you're thinking of moving out of town or even across the city, you may need the agreement of your ex-spouse. This can frustrate parents who want to move because they want out of the old neighborhood, want to move closer to relatives or a new love interest, or just want an easier work commute.

What happens if your ex won't agree? The court will let you make a case for why the move is necessary, but be prepared to argue how it benefits your child, not the benefits you'll personally see. For example, you might argue that the shorter work commute will actually let you spend more time with your child and be more available for things like after-school activities and events.

Religion:

It isn't unusual to go through a crisis of faith when you go through a divorce. However, if you've always been a fairly secular household or if your ex is of a different faith, you don't have the freedom to force a change of religion on your children. Courts may approve a modified plan that will allow you to expose the children to your religion of choice when you're with them, but be prepared to allow your ex the same freedom. Otherwise, you may find yourself barred from involving your children in religious activities at all. 

It's also important to understand the impact of family traditions on your ability to practice your religion and teach it to your children. For example, if you're Jewish, but your ex is Christian, don't be surprised if you are expected to let your spouse have the kids for Christmas every year -- even if you'd rather they didn't celebrate it. Likewise, if you agreed to raise the kids Jewish, don't expect the court to allow you to convert them to Christianity after the divorce. The court will consider how you did things before your divorce and may oblige you to continue.

Health Care:

You can't change doctors or make major health care decisions for your child on your own, even if you have primary custody. While you might think that this only matters if one of your children gets seriously sick, there are health care trends that can cause ex-spouses a lot of friction.

For example, if you believe that vaccinations are dangerous, but your ex-spouse wants to the kids to get their flu shots, you may have to end up letting a court make the decision if you can't agree (and there really isn't a middle ground on that one).

Education:

Are your children in private schools? If so, you may want to move them to public schools to save on the expense now that you're maintaining a different household. However, you may not be able to do that without the consent of your ex or a court order. Courts value the lack of disruption in a child's life, so if you want to plead an inability to cover the costs be prepared to show the court that you really have no means to continue paying the bill. Keep in mind that the court may demand considerable sacrifices on your part, so if you're living in an expensive apartment with amenities the court may not look favorably on a request to cut corners on your children's education.

When kids are involved, divorce doesn't end your relationship with your ex-spouse, it just changes it. You'll still be obligated to make some decisions together. If you can't agree, the court will have to step in and modify the custody order or parenting plan according to what the court -- not you or your ex -- think is best for your child.

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